Who can have it all?

I am rather late in watching this interview of Ms. Indra Nooyi but had read bits and pieces of the interview as soon as it hit the media. Even our dining table witnessed the discussion around this topic. My response before watching the interview was solely based on the read articles and hearsay and it went like this 

You can have it all. Only thing is - "you" define what is "all" for you and don't let other dictate what is "all" for "you".

After watching the interview in its entirety today, I confirmed my belief. Even Ms. Nooyi, one of the most powerful women in the world, is driven by expectations from the society and hence there's this guilt trip. Seemingly the powerful position is not helping to undo the effects of upbringing and hence it makes all the more important for such a person to have a positivity towards the upbringing of her own children.

I see quite a few things which are outright wrong and are attributing to the guilt trip largely (Note: these are solely from the isolated incidents she had narrated during the interview and may be incorrect when put into the entire life of Ms. Nooyi. However, still making these statements as the incidents have come out as isolated incidents and do affect the female population at large)

• You need to have absolutely clear understanding with your spouse. If you are going to be late, spouse needs to know that and should be shouldering the responsibility of household chores either by themselves or through the domestic help. A simple phone call to your spouse before leaving for home saves you a trip for milk at 10 in the night. Similarly, a well thought spouse would do the same and ensure that your partner doesn't have to step out at 10 for milk. If wife can be told to step out at 10, husband should be stepping out at 9, may be after freshening up, however tired he may be!
• You knew about the school activities and still opted for that school by weighing the pros and cons. In that case, work out a schedule such that participate in those activities at least periodically, if not every week. Make your spouse also attend such activities. Parenting is for both and not just mother, similarly career is for both and not only for father. If this is clear in your mind, you would work out your schedules accordingly. The so called "coping mechanism" that Ms. Nooyi has told, it is pathetic and grossly wrong. That is not "coping" mechanism, but is simply shrugging off your responsibilities. You can not teach your children that it is okay to do something if others are doing it and by doing so you do not become the "bad" person.
• Your mother, with all due respect, also needs to make understand that times have changed and your son-in-law can and should equally contribute in the household work. I have been subject to this glorified son-in-law position awarded to me and have been struggling hard to ensure I don't carry that badge at all. Your mother may take time to understand this as it is difficult to change her beliefs at the age of 50 or 60, but nonetheless you need to keep on doing it. Your children would be watching you doing it and that is going to shape their futures. If your children see you succumb to this unwarranted pressure from your mother, you are creating another generation which is ready to succumb under your pressure.
• Your children should also be taught the importance of work-life balance (rather work-life integration as one of my colleagues put it the other day). Teach them what is the right time to call you or simply put aside some time, even 5 minutes between your meetings, to talk to them. Then you don't need to have your receptionist playing mommy role. Only parents can understand the feelings of their children by simply listening to their voice and not the receptionist.

You would still get the feeling of not doing "sufficient" for your kids and family. I attribute it to several hundred years of the upbringing that our society has got. It is going to take time to change these impressions and may not happen in one or two generations. This change would be possible only if we change the way we bring up our children. By teaching our boys that they can't have upper hand just because they are boys and by teaching our daughters that they shouldn't succumb to the family or society pressure just because they are girls. IF we could create couple of generations like this, then only females will start not feeling guilty about the quantity of attention that they give to the family, specially kids.

One thing that Ms. Nooyi said which I agree wholeheartedly is that the person who suffers most is your spouse, however, it is true in case of males as well as females, may be to different extent. But even females say to their career-oriented husbands that they come at the bottom of the list of their priorities. So the point is not gender specific. I am yet to form any opinion about whether this can be handled or not as I, myself, have been struggling with it :p I keep on saying the same thing to Meghana that I come at 3rd or 4th position in your priority list, which offends her but she also knows it happens. Off late we have been taking extra measures to bring some balance on this front. It may take quite some time, but we are committed to try and change the situation.

On the whole, I felt this public guilt trip has made more harm to females around the world than giving strength to the growing population of career-oriented women across the world. Of course, Ms. Nooyi can have her opinions and definitely has freedom to express them, but it would have been really appreciated if she would have expressed herself in a positive way and also to help audience know that the change is not easy, it would take time, but with our efforts, we'd see a guilt-free attitude in females over a period of time.

I wrote this blog when Meghana was out of town on work tour and I continued looking after the household and our 6 year old son, without feeling any burden or annoyance, simply because we have co-opted for this together. Couple of years back when I gave up my 9 to 6 job to start my own venture (which called for 9 to 4 - next day morning 4), Meghana took over the household and our kid completely without once cribbing about it. So, it is all about how you handle and manage your surroundings and support the decision you have taken together. 

You can have it all provided "you" decide what is "all" for "you".